There are two rules in this house; lo, there are three:
Thou shalt not hurt thyself.
Thou shalt not hurt anyone else.
And these three sacred things shall be conducted in peace:
eating, pooping, and slumber.
There shall not be any future disorders of eating, odd anal fixations,
or unrested souls under this roof.
Therefore:
If the Chiefest of Lous should have the grinding of teeth, the sawing of logs
or the heinous bed farts, he shall sleep on the couch.
If the Mama should have a really good book that must needs be read
until the early hours of morn,
she shall sleep on the couch.
If the jBird or the Hooligan shall have the terrors of night,
they shall be divided and conquered
in whatever sleeping spot may give them peace.
If there be phlegm, the afflicted must all share a room
so better to cough on each other.
If there be an affliction of the bowels,
thou shalt sleep on the floor near the bathroom.
Thou shalt not puke in my bed.
Nay, not in any bed, nor on any surface that is impossible to clean.
We shall all begin in our appointed places, at the appointed times.
We shall see upon the morrow where everyone wakes up.
There may be of some times a necessity for cuddles for any member of the household.
Cuddling is not restricted unless you kick me in the crotch too many times whilst thou sleep.
There shall be no judgement nor guilt attached to any of these things.
It shall be not the business of anyone where the night is passed,
save those who passed it themselves.
So when the Mother of Mama asks "How wilt thou find time to be man and wife with children in thy bed?"
The Mama shall answer: "That is what the living room floor is for."
And there shall be no more discussion forthwith.
Here endeth the lesson.
Thou shalt not hurt thyself.
Thou shalt not hurt anyone else.
And these three sacred things shall be conducted in peace:
eating, pooping, and slumber.
There shall not be any future disorders of eating, odd anal fixations,
or unrested souls under this roof.
Therefore:
If the Chiefest of Lous should have the grinding of teeth, the sawing of logs
or the heinous bed farts, he shall sleep on the couch.
If the Mama should have a really good book that must needs be read
until the early hours of morn,
she shall sleep on the couch.
If the jBird or the Hooligan shall have the terrors of night,
they shall be divided and conquered
in whatever sleeping spot may give them peace.
If there be phlegm, the afflicted must all share a room
so better to cough on each other.
If there be an affliction of the bowels,
thou shalt sleep on the floor near the bathroom.
Thou shalt not puke in my bed.
Nay, not in any bed, nor on any surface that is impossible to clean.
We shall all begin in our appointed places, at the appointed times.
We shall see upon the morrow where everyone wakes up.
There may be of some times a necessity for cuddles for any member of the household.
Cuddling is not restricted unless you kick me in the crotch too many times whilst thou sleep.
There shall be no judgement nor guilt attached to any of these things.
It shall be not the business of anyone where the night is passed,
save those who passed it themselves.
So when the Mother of Mama asks "How wilt thou find time to be man and wife with children in thy bed?"
The Mama shall answer: "That is what the living room floor is for."
And there shall be no more discussion forthwith.
Here endeth the lesson.
I nearly spat out my drink all over the keyboard when I read the living room floor part... serves me right for drinking while blog reading - LOL
ReplyDeleteNadia @ Red, White & GREEN Mom
Hear, hear! The mother of my Hubs managed to have 15 children, so I think the living room floor likely works just fine. Ahem. Hm, that's a mental image I can't unsee.
ReplyDeleteAnd, my verification word is pintcotom. I thought it said condom at first and I nearly spat my drink out.
The owner of this blog takes no responsibility for damage that may be caused by drinks spit into keyboards. Reader assumes all risks to person, property, and psyche while reading.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is home for a few days so (my / our) house is noisier than normal! Even though she won't return to all of her activities immediately at her place of busy-ness, it will be nice to have the house back to The Dog and I for most of the day.
ReplyDeleteAh, this takes me back to the good old days. Now that we've outgrown the kids in our bed stage, we usually sleep with considerably less (no) clothing on. My 17-year-old daughter has been warned on numerous occasions to knock before entering no matter what time of the day because "We sleep naked. And we don't always sleep." This warning has so far not convinced her of the wisdom of knocking. I probably should get a lock for the door before someone suffers permanent psychological damage.
ReplyDeleteOh, my gosh! So funny and so true! I did not almost spit my drink out, mostly becuase I hadn't taken a sip yet. Thanks for a good laugh this morning!
ReplyDeleteThanks everyone, glad I could give you a giggle.
ReplyDelete@Masked Mom - I almost spit MY drink into MY keyboard! My eyes! My eyes! Get a lock, post haste. Also, I hope that by the time mine are 17 they will no longer be sleeping with us.
haha!! love your post!! and if I had just taken a drink, I would have probably choked on it for trying to laugh out loud. Instead, I just laughed out loud, like the "LOL" was real. :) I have a friend who tells her children that they must knock on the door, as in the front door or whatever door they are about to enter from the outside of their house, bc her and her hubby like to roam their house nekked. Thankfully for them (my friend and her hubby) their children are fully grown and no longer living under their roof, so their rules. I say whatever floats your boat. :)
ReplyDeleteLaughing so hard! I had to read it to my husband. Good thing our kids don't know all the secrets, they'd never sit on the couches, walk on the floors or eat at the table again.
ReplyDeleteYou are brilliant. I have read this three times and laughed every time. And then I get new laughs from the comments. We lead parallel lives, my friend.
ReplyDeleteLoved it:) Thankfully two of my children cannot yet open doors- and one must get down noisily fro, a top bunk, so there is only one who is able to sneak up on us...and she stomps like an elephant. We're safe...for now:)
ReplyDelete