It may come as a surprise to you, gentle readers, that I am a bit of a fashion maven. I have deemed it both necessary and charitable of me to share some of my fashion tips. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
For formal dress occasions:
- If you should, in a fit of purse straightening, inadvertently snag your nipple atop the neckline of your ill-fitting, second-hand formal gown and then proceed to grin around making small talk with assorted acquaintances who mysteriously will not make eye-contact with you, simply remove yourself quietly to behind a large potted plant and make the necessary adjustments. It is also helpful to compile a mental list of those with whom you've spoken since you last adjusted your purse and resolve never to speak to them again.
- If, while attending a semi-formal cocktail party full of people who intimidate you, the heel should fall off of one of your 12 year old, 100% plastic platform boots, simply shove the errant heel into your handbag and proceed to tiptoe on that one foot in a height approximating that of the intact boot. If someone should happen to notice the horrid scraping, clunking, hollow plastic sound your foot is making or your uneven gait, startle them speechless by whipping the heel out of your handbag and introducing them to the intricacies of the innards of bargain footwear.
- If you are attending a wedding and wearing gorgeous Italian leather stilettos for the first time since giving birth, and you should happen to inadvertently wedge your heel into the floorboards of the elegant front porch of the bed and breakfast, make sure you mother-in-law is standing near you to catch the baby who flies projectile-style out of your arms as you lurch forward, tearing your gorgeous shoe and your new Chinese silk brocade pants.
Business attire:
- Be sure to remove your adult-sized mittens-on-a-string from the sleeves of your coat before gesticulating wildly about where "we" will put the hors d'ouevre bar. The representatives of major business interests and city council members to whom you are trying to pitch the event may find the swaying mittens dangling from the sleeves of your cashmere coat distracting and/or mesmerizing.
- In some circles, plastic spray-painted mini skirts with red snakeskin platform loafers are not considered proper business attire. Those circles tend to be a little uptight, in my humble opinion, but they also may call your boss to make passive-aggressive observations about the "creativity" of your clothes. Simply make note of this and absolutely do not, under any circumstances comment on the client's regrettable plastic surgery the next time you meet with her.
Casual, about the town:
- Should you decide to wear your favorite regular-person tights while nine months pregnant with a 10 lb. baby, dispose of said tights before the baby in question is a year old. If you should forget to do this and happen to be crossing a busy intersection with hands full of stroller, groceries and toddler when the tights fall to your knees, simply hold your head high and saunter on your way (as best you can with tights around your knees) until you find a bus stop shelter in which to hike them up. If this should occur more than once, remove the tights immediately and dispose of them where ever you are. If this should occur more than twice, seek professional help.
- Should your voracious newborn decide to take an extra-long nap when they normally eat and you spray what may be a pint of milk out of your boob, through your shirt and onto an innocent bystander, hope and pray the innocent bystander is a kind and gentle soul who thinks breast milk is wonderful. Also, a jaunty scarf made of some sort of dark, waterproof material can distract from unsightly wet spots down the front of your shirt.
- If you purchase and wear the ever-stylish pre-distressed jeans that are sold at Goodwill and other fine thrift establishments, it is highly recommended that you accompany them with interesting (or at least clean) underwear in the event of unexpected rippage (this usually occurs when engaged in activities such as wrestling a stray monkey into a car seat, squatting to pick up groceries from an overturned cart, or sitting on one of those tiny little elementary school sized chairs in front of 28 first graders. It also happens with little or no warning to the wearer.)
- Bowler hats totally go with overalls for almost any occasion and don't let anyone tell you differently.
For formal dress occasions:
- If you should, in a fit of purse straightening, inadvertently snag your nipple atop the neckline of your ill-fitting, second-hand formal gown and then proceed to grin around making small talk with assorted acquaintances who mysteriously will not make eye-contact with you, simply remove yourself quietly to behind a large potted plant and make the necessary adjustments. It is also helpful to compile a mental list of those with whom you've spoken since you last adjusted your purse and resolve never to speak to them again.
- If, while attending a semi-formal cocktail party full of people who intimidate you, the heel should fall off of one of your 12 year old, 100% plastic platform boots, simply shove the errant heel into your handbag and proceed to tiptoe on that one foot in a height approximating that of the intact boot. If someone should happen to notice the horrid scraping, clunking, hollow plastic sound your foot is making or your uneven gait, startle them speechless by whipping the heel out of your handbag and introducing them to the intricacies of the innards of bargain footwear.
- If you are attending a wedding and wearing gorgeous Italian leather stilettos for the first time since giving birth, and you should happen to inadvertently wedge your heel into the floorboards of the elegant front porch of the bed and breakfast, make sure you mother-in-law is standing near you to catch the baby who flies projectile-style out of your arms as you lurch forward, tearing your gorgeous shoe and your new Chinese silk brocade pants.
Business attire:
- Be sure to remove your adult-sized mittens-on-a-string from the sleeves of your coat before gesticulating wildly about where "we" will put the hors d'ouevre bar. The representatives of major business interests and city council members to whom you are trying to pitch the event may find the swaying mittens dangling from the sleeves of your cashmere coat distracting and/or mesmerizing.
- In some circles, plastic spray-painted mini skirts with red snakeskin platform loafers are not considered proper business attire. Those circles tend to be a little uptight, in my humble opinion, but they also may call your boss to make passive-aggressive observations about the "creativity" of your clothes. Simply make note of this and absolutely do not, under any circumstances comment on the client's regrettable plastic surgery the next time you meet with her.
Casual, about the town:
- Should you decide to wear your favorite regular-person tights while nine months pregnant with a 10 lb. baby, dispose of said tights before the baby in question is a year old. If you should forget to do this and happen to be crossing a busy intersection with hands full of stroller, groceries and toddler when the tights fall to your knees, simply hold your head high and saunter on your way (as best you can with tights around your knees) until you find a bus stop shelter in which to hike them up. If this should occur more than once, remove the tights immediately and dispose of them where ever you are. If this should occur more than twice, seek professional help.
- Should your voracious newborn decide to take an extra-long nap when they normally eat and you spray what may be a pint of milk out of your boob, through your shirt and onto an innocent bystander, hope and pray the innocent bystander is a kind and gentle soul who thinks breast milk is wonderful. Also, a jaunty scarf made of some sort of dark, waterproof material can distract from unsightly wet spots down the front of your shirt.
- If you purchase and wear the ever-stylish pre-distressed jeans that are sold at Goodwill and other fine thrift establishments, it is highly recommended that you accompany them with interesting (or at least clean) underwear in the event of unexpected rippage (this usually occurs when engaged in activities such as wrestling a stray monkey into a car seat, squatting to pick up groceries from an overturned cart, or sitting on one of those tiny little elementary school sized chairs in front of 28 first graders. It also happens with little or no warning to the wearer.)
- Bowler hats totally go with overalls for almost any occasion and don't let anyone tell you differently.
This makes me adore you even more. I wish I would have thought of a scarf! Darn. I have also totally lost a heel on a boot before. I still miss those boots...
ReplyDeleteAw thanks. I used to have a pretty serious DSW addiction at one point.
DeleteYou got me. That mitten-waving thing made my abdomen lurch as I guffawed out loud. Secondly, I identify with everything you wrote, including but not limited to, twisting the tops of post-partum tights into a corkscrew fitfull of nylon, folding the wad back upon itself and securing with the largest safety pin made. Only to wince out of nowhere in the middle of a meeting three hours later b/c the safety pin popped open.
ReplyDeleteYou should enter this into one of the BlogHer award thingys. It's deserving. Big fat applause.
Oh, the safety pin trick. Good one.
DeleteThey have BlogHer award thingys?! I know not of such things.
I agree with the tights. Give them a second chance, but after that, if they decide to slide down again, peel them off and toss them! This is how I went to work one day with tights on, and came home without. Thank God I'd recently shaved my legs.
ReplyDeleteYes, leg shaving is never a given for me, though. Glad I'm not the only one with ridiculous tights.
DeleteI know about the boob spraying all too well. I can't even count the times I heard, "Um, you got a little something on your shirt." Eventually I bought stock in breast pads. And learned that "a little something" is code for "Good god woman, put a cork on that thing."
ReplyDeleteAlso: the MC Hammer reactions are awesome. That is all.
You get 72 points for noticing the MC Hammer references. I'm glad I'm not the only one who regularly hosed down the neighbors. The pads never worked for me, though. They always got instantly soaked, made me look like one of the Fembots from Austin Powers and made me smell kind of like Swiss cheese all the time.
DeleteI will stick to my Vibram FiveFingers Komodo Sports.
ReplyDeleteOne of the dads at my daughter's school wears those year-round. They kind of freak me out. I am always torn between gaping at them and asking him if I can try them on.
DeleteWhat a great laugh to start my Tuesday! I can relate most to the tights (and, yes, I have actually taken them off and tossed then right then and there in uber frustration - with my own stupidity for thinking I could keep wearing them). I am also totally with you on the wearing of cool underwear lest a rip on my (seriously) ten year old pair of jeans should expose what is under them - find a good pair of jeans and never let them go. And , finally, YES bowler hats and overalls are the fashion statement of the very cool peeps. May I add that bright colors and mx and match hues will make the world sit up and pay attention to you?
ReplyDeleteDefinitely bright colors. I absolutely love that nothing really has to "match" any more.
DeleteOh my lordy.
ReplyDeletea) You poor, poor thing. By the way I too have unevenly heeled shoe in my closet which I wear regularly.
b) I wish I'd bought a jaunty scarf for exactly such breast milk accidents! That is the kind of solid advice young mothers need more than opinions about co sleeping and daycare.
c) Where can I buy adult mittens on a string, and please tell us how that pitch went??
d) Very well told stuff. Thanks. LOL Happy Tuesday!
Like I said, don't pity me because I'm so awesome. :)
DeleteThe mittens on a string were a gift from my sister-in-law and I believe she got them at the Gap of all places. We did get the event, mittens and all, and it went smashingly.
Hilarious stuff. And stuff that makes me grateful that my wardrobe consists almost entirely of jeans, sweaters, T-shirts and sweatpants. Of course, I've found ways to screw even the simple stuff up over the years. Went to work with dog-chewed holes in the butt of my jeans a couple of months ago. Apparently our dog found something to her liking on my jeans while they were in the laundry basket and I washed and dried them and slid them on without noticing multiple tiny holes in the backside. Suffice it to say, the underwear I was wearing that day were decidedly NOT for public consumption. A helpful co-worker caught it before too much damage was done, but I've really yet to recover.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had a dog to blame for the holes in the seat of my jeans. My wardrobe is pretty much like yours sounds, anymore. That, and assorted clothes I've had since high school and a few things that have struck my fancy at Goodwill. I am so grateful I don't have to "dress up" for work anymore.
DeleteAmazing post!!! Loved it.
DeleteThank you, Lindsey! What a nice surprise to see your comment here!
Deletefashion is so not part of my vocabulary. I can see something and like it. see someone and like their style. but i need a full-time assistant to help me get dressed!
ReplyDeleteI'm with you, Judy. I used to at least try, but not only do I need someone to dress me, but to follow me around and ensure that I stay dressed.
DeleteI used to buy nursing shirts. Until I realized that I wasn't so good at remember to fasten them back up after nursing.
ReplyDeleteWhoops! Nothing like a random boob flash from a hot overweight nursing mom with disheveled hair and no make-up to light your fire. Those were the days...
LOVE the post! You should definitely submit it to an award thingy, and then tell me about what they are...
I could never figure out nursing shirts. I always think about that very mental image when people get their knickers in a twist about women nursing in public. Not a terribly suggestive activity in my book.
DeleteThanks for the love. I was hoping you would tell me what the award thingys were. Would somebody, for the love of all that's holy, tell me what the BlogHer award thingys are?!
Wait...you mean mittens on strings are not considered appropriate business attire? I, frankly, think they indicate someone with good sense and organizational skills.
ReplyDeleteExactly, Jane. Exactly.
DeleteI really needed that laugh! Thank you. :)
ReplyDeleteWhy, you're welcome!
DeleteI read this earlier at work while on a conference call and had a coughing fit from stifling laughter. One of the disadvantages to not having children, I guess, is not understanding the geyser from the chest. ;-)
ReplyDeleteBut the nipple from the neckline of a dress? *That* is awesome. I want to do that someday.
Some people can only aspire to be as classy as I am.
DeleteMy sides hurt from laughing so hard. Also? I am ALWAYS *that* person. It's so nice to know I'm not the only one:)
ReplyDeleteFashion tragedies, UNITE!
DeleteHey! I've finally found a blogger with the same fashion sense as my own. Reminds me of my own wedding some years, and one husband ago. I failed to remove the CLEARANCE sticker from the bottom of my Ross' Dress for Less shoes. Who the hell knew I was going to have to kneel? And that my new brother in law had such good eyes? I hate him. I never missed him.
ReplyDeleteThat is classic! In all fairness, it's really hard to get those stickers off.
DeleteI stopped in yesterday morning, and decided I was out of my league on so many levels, it was ridiculous. To begin with, in my world, fashion is a four-letter word, and on top of that, the issue being addressed seemed better left to those with more experience than I. Then along came Masked Mom, Judy, et al, and I relaxed. I even appreciated the response by esbboston, even though I had no clue as to what it was that he was discussing. I did know it was not related to maternity garb.
ReplyDeleteThanks for a light-hearted look at a topic that so many find deadly serious, or at least deadly intimidating. There little demand for "fashion" on the top of my ridge.
This was an especially girly post for me, wasn't it? Trust me, tongue is firmly in cheek when I declare myself a fashion maven. It's mostly a light-hearted look at myself.
DeleteI cannot tell you how this post made me miss you!
ReplyDeleteSarah
Oh Sarah! I was actually thinking about you when I wrote this because one of the above fashion faux pas happened at an FC banquet of all places. Not that I miss that place, just you!
DeleteI kinda hope it was the nipple one. The hilarity of that one would be heightened by it's happening at an FC function. Of course, the sadness of it would be heightened, too, due to the objectifying "modesty" standards of the place.
DeleteDing ding ding! We have a winner! It was, in fact, the nipple one. Nobody said a word. I think in the face of such pointed (heh heh) indecency, the fascination with knees was rendered speechless.
Delete