It may come as a surprise to you, gentle readers, that I am a bit of a fashion maven. I have deemed it both necessary and charitable of me to share some of my fashion tips. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.
For formal dress occasions:
- If you should, in a fit of purse straightening, inadvertently snag your nipple atop the neckline of your ill-fitting, second-hand formal gown and then proceed to grin around making small talk with assorted acquaintances who mysteriously will not make eye-contact with you, simply remove yourself quietly to behind a large potted plant and make the necessary adjustments. It is also helpful to compile a mental list of those with whom you've spoken since you last adjusted your purse and resolve never to speak to them again.
- If, while attending a semi-formal cocktail party full of people who intimidate you, the heel should fall off of one of your 12 year old, 100% plastic platform boots, simply shove the errant heel into your handbag and proceed to tiptoe on that one foot in a height approximating that of the intact boot. If someone should happen to notice the horrid scraping, clunking, hollow plastic sound your foot is making or your uneven gait, startle them speechless by whipping the heel out of your handbag and introducing them to the intricacies of the innards of bargain footwear.
- If you are attending a wedding and wearing gorgeous Italian leather stilettos for the first time since giving birth, and you should happen to inadvertently wedge your heel into the floorboards of the elegant front porch of the bed and breakfast, make sure you mother-in-law is standing near you to catch the baby who flies projectile-style out of your arms as you lurch forward, tearing your gorgeous shoe and your new Chinese silk brocade pants.
Business attire:
- Be sure to remove your adult-sized mittens-on-a-string from the sleeves of your coat before gesticulating wildly about where "we" will put the hors d'ouevre bar. The representatives of major business interests and city council members to whom you are trying to pitch the event may find the swaying mittens dangling from the sleeves of your cashmere coat distracting and/or mesmerizing.
- In some circles, plastic spray-painted mini skirts with red snakeskin platform loafers are not considered proper business attire. Those circles tend to be a little uptight, in my humble opinion, but they also may call your boss to make passive-aggressive observations about the "creativity" of your clothes. Simply make note of this and absolutely do not, under any circumstances comment on the client's regrettable plastic surgery the next time you meet with her.
Casual, about the town:
- Should you decide to wear your favorite regular-person tights while nine months pregnant with a 10 lb. baby, dispose of said tights before the baby in question is a year old. If you should forget to do this and happen to be crossing a busy intersection with hands full of stroller, groceries and toddler when the tights fall to your knees, simply hold your head high and saunter on your way (as best you can with tights around your knees) until you find a bus stop shelter in which to hike them up. If this should occur more than once, remove the tights immediately and dispose of them where ever you are. If this should occur more than twice, seek professional help.
- Should your voracious newborn decide to take an extra-long nap when they normally eat and you spray what may be a pint of milk out of your boob, through your shirt and onto an innocent bystander, hope and pray the innocent bystander is a kind and gentle soul who thinks breast milk is wonderful. Also, a jaunty scarf made of some sort of dark, waterproof material can distract from unsightly wet spots down the front of your shirt.
- If you purchase and wear the ever-stylish pre-distressed jeans that are sold at Goodwill and other fine thrift establishments, it is highly recommended that you accompany them with interesting (or at least clean) underwear in the event of unexpected rippage (this usually occurs when engaged in activities such as wrestling a stray monkey into a car seat, squatting to pick up groceries from an overturned cart, or sitting on one of those tiny little elementary school sized chairs in front of 28 first graders. It also happens with little or no warning to the wearer.)
- Bowler hats totally go with overalls for almost any occasion and don't let anyone tell you differently.
For formal dress occasions:
- If you should, in a fit of purse straightening, inadvertently snag your nipple atop the neckline of your ill-fitting, second-hand formal gown and then proceed to grin around making small talk with assorted acquaintances who mysteriously will not make eye-contact with you, simply remove yourself quietly to behind a large potted plant and make the necessary adjustments. It is also helpful to compile a mental list of those with whom you've spoken since you last adjusted your purse and resolve never to speak to them again.
- If, while attending a semi-formal cocktail party full of people who intimidate you, the heel should fall off of one of your 12 year old, 100% plastic platform boots, simply shove the errant heel into your handbag and proceed to tiptoe on that one foot in a height approximating that of the intact boot. If someone should happen to notice the horrid scraping, clunking, hollow plastic sound your foot is making or your uneven gait, startle them speechless by whipping the heel out of your handbag and introducing them to the intricacies of the innards of bargain footwear.
- If you are attending a wedding and wearing gorgeous Italian leather stilettos for the first time since giving birth, and you should happen to inadvertently wedge your heel into the floorboards of the elegant front porch of the bed and breakfast, make sure you mother-in-law is standing near you to catch the baby who flies projectile-style out of your arms as you lurch forward, tearing your gorgeous shoe and your new Chinese silk brocade pants.
Business attire:
- Be sure to remove your adult-sized mittens-on-a-string from the sleeves of your coat before gesticulating wildly about where "we" will put the hors d'ouevre bar. The representatives of major business interests and city council members to whom you are trying to pitch the event may find the swaying mittens dangling from the sleeves of your cashmere coat distracting and/or mesmerizing.
- In some circles, plastic spray-painted mini skirts with red snakeskin platform loafers are not considered proper business attire. Those circles tend to be a little uptight, in my humble opinion, but they also may call your boss to make passive-aggressive observations about the "creativity" of your clothes. Simply make note of this and absolutely do not, under any circumstances comment on the client's regrettable plastic surgery the next time you meet with her.
Casual, about the town:
- Should you decide to wear your favorite regular-person tights while nine months pregnant with a 10 lb. baby, dispose of said tights before the baby in question is a year old. If you should forget to do this and happen to be crossing a busy intersection with hands full of stroller, groceries and toddler when the tights fall to your knees, simply hold your head high and saunter on your way (as best you can with tights around your knees) until you find a bus stop shelter in which to hike them up. If this should occur more than once, remove the tights immediately and dispose of them where ever you are. If this should occur more than twice, seek professional help.
- Should your voracious newborn decide to take an extra-long nap when they normally eat and you spray what may be a pint of milk out of your boob, through your shirt and onto an innocent bystander, hope and pray the innocent bystander is a kind and gentle soul who thinks breast milk is wonderful. Also, a jaunty scarf made of some sort of dark, waterproof material can distract from unsightly wet spots down the front of your shirt.
- If you purchase and wear the ever-stylish pre-distressed jeans that are sold at Goodwill and other fine thrift establishments, it is highly recommended that you accompany them with interesting (or at least clean) underwear in the event of unexpected rippage (this usually occurs when engaged in activities such as wrestling a stray monkey into a car seat, squatting to pick up groceries from an overturned cart, or sitting on one of those tiny little elementary school sized chairs in front of 28 first graders. It also happens with little or no warning to the wearer.)
- Bowler hats totally go with overalls for almost any occasion and don't let anyone tell you differently.
