The Davids Are In Collusion Against Me

I have been singing this Bruce McCulloch song in my head for the past couple of days to keep myself from curling into the fetal position and sucking my thumb. I'm not a superstitious person. I'm not even sure what all of the superstitions are. Knocking wood, hat on the bed, salt over the shoulder, something to do with ladders and cats and stuff. I didn't realize this past Friday was the 13th until I sat down and did the painstaking calendar math involved in counting the number of days it has been since the Chief Lou's birthday, trying to figure out what day that was and then trying to figure out what the current day is. I'm chronologically challenged that way. So, on Friday the 13th, the Chief Lou and I sat down to movie night and a cozy fire and I really haven't been the same since. Not being superstitious, I refuse to believe the date on the calendar has much to do with it, but I'll let you be the judge.

The Blue Velvet Chronicles:

Sometime in 1991 - My friend (who was so not my boyfriend, why would you even say that?!) and I went to our friend Mandy's house to watch a movie with her and her boyfriend, Dave. My friend (who was positively not my boyfriend and whose middle name is David) was way into Twin Peaks, so he thought it would be wise do delve deeper into David Lynch's work and brought over Blue Velvet for our viewing pleasure. While being as jaded and worldly-wise as all 16-year-old girls are, I was actually pretty sheltered and naive. For years I remembered very little about the movie except a pervasive, shuddering ick.

June, 1992 - Senior prom. My friend (still not my boyfriend, folks!) and best girlfriend from high school (whose dad's name is David) share the first slow dance of the evening. Friend-not-boyfriend thought it would be really funny to request Blue Velvet for the first slow dance. I remember very little about the experience except feeling like it was, perhaps, icky and being impatient for Tainted Love to come on.

January, 1998 - I take an abnormal psychology class with a man (named David) who would become my favorite professor. In the first few days of the class, the professor discusses his early experiences with Freudian psychoanalysis. Apparently his analyst was a bit on the strange side and his entire office - walls, proverbial couch, everything - is covered in blue velvet. The professor says this with a tangible shiver and easily segues into David Lynch cinematography as an aside.

July, 1998 - My wedding day. My "something blue" is a pair of blue velvet underwear. My maid of honor (sister) tells my matron of honor (best girlfriend from high school) who tells her husband who casually mentions it in nervous conversation with my future sister-in-law's boyfriend, who immediately tells my future sister-in-law, who tells... well, really, everyone (she's a one-woman broadcasting network, that one) including our extremely strange and high violinist who agrees with Chief Lou's aunt that it would be an absolute gas to play a rendition of Blue Velvet on the violin and harp as our first dance at the reception. (Sound impossible? I have it on video somewhere.)

Sometime in 1999 - We finally decide on curtains for our bedroom and purchase them on sale at TJMaxx. They are a gorgeous navy blue velvet. This coincides with my taking another class from Favorite Professor David and a repetition of creepy blue velvet analysis couch story. F.P. David finds it curious and entertaining that our new drapes are made of the portent-laden fabric.

July 3, 1999 - The Chief Lou sends me a dozen long-stemmed roses at work in honor of our first anniversary. He phoned in the order to the florist who was obviously not paying very close attention. The card reads: "Thank you for the best year of my life so far. Happy Anniversary! Love, David". My husband's name is not David.

Fast forward to this past summer, 2011 - I check out David Foster Wallace's A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again from the library. I barely make it past the essay about tennis and math when the Chief Lou commandeers it and reads the whole thing, excerpting the highlights for me. An especially salient essay for him is David F.W.'s take on David Lynch's Blue Velvet. The Chief Lou casually comments on it and says he's never seen the movie, have I? I tell him I have, but that I barely remember it. Seems like it was pretty strange and maybe I was too young to have understood it fully when I watched it but that any mention of the words blue and velvet together gives me a bit of a chill, but I can't remember why.

Friday, January 13th, 2012 - Snuggled down with the Chief Lou on the couch and he produces his movie selection for the evening: Blue Velvet. Have you seen this movie?! Did it creep you out as much as it did me?! Why is Isabella Rossellini's wig exactly the same as her hair?! What is the thing on the couch in the background at the Quantum Leap dude's apartment? Why is the dude from Quantum Leap even in this movie? What kind of acting mojo enables Dennis Hopper to make an oxygen tank scary?! Why the long face, Laura Dern? And why does anyone listen to a word that Kyle MacLachlan says when he's got his shirt buttoned all the way to the top, which is clearly the universal cinematic symbol for "crazy train"?! And why is the happy-feel-good ending the absolute creepiest part of the whole movie?

And most importantly, why have all of these Davids colluded against me all these years? I'm beginning to get a little nervous. What did I ever do to the Davids?!