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| Pure joy. Opening birthday presents. |
If she was music, she would be rock and roll.
If she was a flower, she would be a primrose.
If she was a color, she would be magenta.
If she was a fabric, she would be silk.
If she was a food, she would be a loaf of artisan bread.
If she was a politician, she would be irresistible.
She's indescribable, my jBird. She's tough and she's gentle. She's imaginative and she's literal. She's ladylike and she's messy. She's bold and she's humble. She's caring and she's practical. She loves babies and she wants to be an astronaut. She's an activist. She's persuasive. She's brilliant. She's a networker. She's intense. She's fair-minded. She's very, very silly.
She's a maelstrom that entered our lives eight years ago this week.
I've been reflecting on the last eight years and have been finding it difficult to put it into words. From the very start, she has systematically shattered any preconceived notions I may have had of motherhood. She has done it with a smile and a gentle, unrelenting spirit. Eight years later, she's still doing it.
When she was 18 months old, I noticed she was singing along with Frank Sinatra in the car: Gotchooo unda ma 'kin!
Under my skin is where she is. I am madly in love with my husband. My Hooligan is my sweetheart and can melt me with a wink, but nobody on this planet is as viscerally attached to me as my little girl.
I go to bed every night feeling like I've failed her. Like I haven't been the woman she needs me to be, let alone the mother. I have this powerful, gregarious, magnetic little girl and I fear I will make her ashamed of me in my retiring and relaxed ways. She would not agree with me if I told her this. She would wail and hug and reassure and kiss me all over my face and tell me I was the best mother in the world, and then she would ask for Daddy to put her to bed.
I am honored that the job of mother has been entrusted to me. That I have been given this complicated, delightful little girl to raise. It is not my job to make her into something. It is my job to recognize that she already is something. Something amazing and wondrous and more than I could ever imagine. It is my job to hold her hand and guide her through. To teach her the things she needs to know to be a grownup. It is my job to celebrate who she is and teach her to do the same.
It is a fearful and rigorous work. But she makes it more than worth it.
Happy birthday to my jBird with all of her quirks and facets, her shining light.
What a beautiful way to celebrate your girl. It is very satisfying, isn't it, having children who are greater than we are?
ReplyDeleteIt is immensely satisfying. I just hope they don't figure it out too soon so I can still be a credible mama to them!
DeleteBeautiful. (: Happy Birthday jBird!
ReplyDeleteBlessings!~*
Thank you, darling!
DeleteHappy birthday to your jBird! She has an amazing mother!
ReplyDeleteYou are so kind, Judy.
DeleteLovely! Before I had kids, I was pretty darn sure I should only have sons. I didn't have a clue what to do with a daughter. Thank goodness God doesn't pay attention to silly thoughts like that! My daughter is something I'm glad I didn't miss out on.
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny because I always wondered how on earth I would parent a son and I was stunned when we found out the Hooligan was a boy. I'm not sure why I thought a daughter would be my forte? I still sometimes marvel at the fact that I was allowed to have any children at all! I wouldn't give either of them back, though.
DeleteYou are a great mom and happy birthday to jBird! I'll be doing the 8 year old thing next week, though I don't have your beautiful way with words. Perhaps I should just leave the clean toliet seat lament out of it?
ReplyDeleteThank you! I have a clean toilet seat lament, myself. I thought it best to save it for a less festive occasion. ;)
DeleteHappy birthday to jBird! Yay for joy and play, singing and open-mouth gaping laughter! This is a beautiful ode to your daughter, and to children in general. So lovely. Thanks for sharing the day and these thoughts...in a little way you've let us be part of it. Awesome? Doesn't even describe :)
ReplyDeleteYay, indeed! Thank you so much for your kind words.
DeleteI love that you understand it's for children in general, too. Of course, I love mine best. But I would assume that's the onus of every parent - to love theirs best and celebrate them often and well.
Motherhood is so humbling. Or it should be, if you are doing it right. So, guess what? You are doing it perfectly. We are all of us just standing in awe, staring at this intricate organism, this complicated, intricate, unreadable soul, and wondering how to best help it find its greatness–occasionally making a grilled cheese sandwich. That's about all there is.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Tara. I know you get it. I make a mean grilled cheese. Some days it seems that's the best I've accomplished.
DeleteHappy Birthday to your daughter. If anything I would say she is one lucky lady to have a Mum who obviously loves her as much as the human body can take.
ReplyDeleteYou capture what it is to be a mother so perfectly I don't think there is anything to add at all, it brought a tear to my eye! I think if we worry that we aren't doing it right or aren't good enough we are probably some where close to spot on. It is when you don't care if you get it right or wrong that things begin to crumble.
I will also be doing the eight year celebrations this year with my eldest girl and my youngest starts school after summer, I am starting to feel those nagging feelings of loss as they grow up in the blink of an eye.
If you hadn't guessed...LOVED this post, thanks for sharing!
My wee one will start school in the fall, too! It's a strange stage in parenting we've reached. No more are they small and helpless, but they still need us so much for different kinds of things. I get so annoyed with the old ladies who say "Oh, they grow so fast!" but they do, in fact, grow so fast!
DeleteGlad you liked it!
Oh, sooo sweet. You have not failed her at all. Not one little bit.
ReplyDeleteThank you, V. She needs a mom who knows that, doesn't she?
DeleteTo add to what everyone here has said, happy birthday to your jBird- love the photo:) And I especially love that your mama pride shines through every word.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I love that photo, too! Unbridled excitement.
DeletejBird is BEAUTIFUL! I can see the life in her face. Your words to her are precious and she is one lucky child!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! She's definitely a lively one. I believe I am the lucky one, though.
DeleteJust beautiful, and you realize how much while it's happening.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Julie!
DeleteOooh! I love this! Happy birthday to that dear girl!
ReplyDeleteHi Nicole! Thank you!
DeleteDon't know how to describe how this affected me. Happy Birthday to your beautiful, indescribable daughter. And big hugs to the woman who is mothering her so passionately. xoxo
ReplyDeleteMarie, you dear, sweet soul. Thank you for the wishes and the hugs. xoxox
DeleteThat's a lovely tribute. As mothers we have a more tender spot for our daughters, perhaps it is the hope that they become all that we wanted to be.
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps it is the fear that they will do some of the things we did? Perhaps that's the same thing.
DeleteI'm not sure I've ever read a more honest and accurate description of mothering a daughter than this one. I am passionately in love (and well acquainted)with the "fearful and rigorous work" line. Nicely done and happy birthday to jBird!
ReplyDeleteThank you and wow. You flatter me. I find parenting to be an extremely difficult topic to write well about.
Delete"It is my job to recognize that she already is something."
ReplyDeletejBird will thank you so much for this later.
Happy birthday, beautiful jBird!
Thank you, Jane!
DeleteWe shall see. I'm not always very good at it, but I figure I'm a little ahead of the game in realizing that's what I should do. I'll mostly be glad if she even speaks to me later.