Friday, October 26, 2012

Sex, Drugs & Rock and Roll

Three conversations in my house over the last few weeks that prove I'm still rock and roll.


jBird: Look, your Hobbes doll has a bladder!
Hooligan: What's a bladder?
jBird: It's that pouch thing that dangles behind a boy's penis.
Me: Um, that's not a bladder. Your bladder is an internal organ that holds your pee.
jBird: Then what is that pouch thing?
Me: Those are testicles.
Hooligan: I have testicles! Testicles!
jBird: But what are they for?
Me: They hold sperm.
jBird: And sperm is...
Me: Uh, sperm are little swimming cells that fertilize an egg to make a baby.
jBird: [considering this] Like I ate for breakfast?
Me: Sort of. That's a chicken egg. Human eggs are much smaller and we don't eat them for breakfast.
jBird: Well, Hobbes has testicles then.
Hooligan: Testicles!
Chief Lou: What are you guys talking about in there?!


Me: Turns out my headache was sinus. My ear hurts, too.
Chief Lou: Oh, did you take some Sudafed?
Me: Yes.
Chief Lou: Did it help?
Me: Well, yes and no. It decongested everything, but it did not help me to learn that ear congestion tastes different from sinus congestion when it drains.
Chief Lou: That's so hot.

Rock and Roll:

Me: There aren't any love songs about stay at home moms.
Chief Lou: I'm sorry. There aren't any love songs about mid-level government employees, either.
Me: I guess you're right.
Chief Lou: We're just not that interesting.
Me: But we're still remarkably good-looking. That has to count for something.

I really wouldn't trade all this nonsense for the world.


  1. You're exceedingly interesting. Taylor Swift will write a song about you someday.

    1. Thank you, but I think having Taylor Swift write a song about me is worse than no song at all. Blech.

  2. That's been a complaint of mine—the absence of stay of home mom love songs. It's a totally unexplored genre. Who wants to take it on? Anyone?

    1. That sounds like a job for you. I have been trying to compose even a poem that doesn't sound like complete twaddle on the subject. I'm not even sure it's possible.

  3. I think my sons have the same idea as your daughter, I overheard part of a bath time conversation about whether they had found/identified their bladders. I was in the middle of something else and haven't found an appropriate time to persue it. I'm sure it will come up again sooner or later. Ai ai ai.


    1. Where does this notion come from? I can't even blame public schools since your sons have the same idea. My son called it his "pee pouch" for a while. I didn't correct him.

  4. Not to be particular, but the pouch thing houses the testicles. The scrotum holds the testicles, which hold sperm.

    Oh, and I commented just for the opportunity to use the words scrotum, testicles, and sperm in a sentence. I'm a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 50-year-old woman. ;OD

    I can't wait to see what search terms land folks on this one!

    1. Funny you should mention that, I did, in fact clarify the scrotum thing with the monkeys. And I am so glad that you took the time to type all that out because I, too, am a 12-year-old boy at heart. No matter how matter-of-factly you say it, "scrotum" will always be a funny word.

  5. Someone should write a love song about stay at home moms AND mid level govt employees. It should be James Taylor. Or Simon and Garfunkel. But performed by aLL three of them.

    1. This sounds like a magnificent idea. You should ring them up and tell them to get on it.

  6. Heh heh. Ayla and I recently had a similarly matter-of-fact conversation about sex. I am not sex, drugs, and rock 'n roll, though. I'll leave that to you. Seems you've got it down. You badass, you.

    1. I'm not really, either. That's why I amuse myself so. Except for my birthday boots. Those are pretty rock 'n roll.
      I really only know how to have matter-of-fact conversations about sex. Now that I think about, I really only know how to have matter-of-fact conversations about everything. It's somewhat off-putting to some, but I think it's part of my charm.

  7. There are LOTS of love songs about good-looking people, so you two are set!

  8. It's just not fair and I am obviously not rock and roll enough. Our brids and bees conversation went nothing like that :-(

    *sulks off in a jelous mood* lol

    1. This is only the first of many. I think the first rule is not to refer to it as "birds and bees". That is nothing but confusing and strange and makes me think of beaks and bee stings in all the wrong places.

  9. Loved these--and not merely because any one of these conversations could've taken place at my house. ;)


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