Monday, February 13, 2012

Cupid's Misfires

I got two bouquets of flowers for Boss's Day this year, I also get them sometimes because it's a Tuesday or because I'm really tired, or because he felt like it. I buy chocolate whenever it's on sale. The Chief Lou and I have "Date Night" every night after the monkeys go to sleep - where usually we eat the sale chocolate and watch DVDs or read together or something incredibly romantic like that. Valentine's Day in our house is centered mostly on the manufacture of tiny handmade cards for classmates and surprising the monkeys with balloons and treats on the morning of February 14th.

I have a rather dim view of holidays intent on promoting the sale of greeting cards and demoting anyone who doesn't have anyone to give them said greeting cards. Love, like everything else, should be celebrated daily in myriad ways that do not involve mass consumption of disposable goods. Although mass consumption of chocolate is a good idea almost any time. Except right before dinner. Unless you know dinner might be especially nasty.

I'm not ungrateful, Cupid has been good to me. We've reached an understanding. Or rather, I have. It took a good many misfires for me to realize what was up. I had a whole post written on this topic, but it was long-winded and sounded self-pitying (which I'm not. Well, I'm long-winded occasionally, but not self-pitying. Especially not in regards to silly holidays.) I read somewhere that aspiring writers can make some freelance money in the greeting card industry, so instead, I decided to try my hand at that. Here are some Valentine's cards I could have written over the years. Perhaps I can send them off to Hallmark and make a few bucks.


I am so glad you asked her to the Valentine's dance instead of me...
Your hands were clammy and you always smelled vaguely of fish. 
***

After all these years, I saw your profile on Facebook and I just wanted to say...

Who's ugly now, Mullet Man?!
Happy Valentine's Day!

***

Valentine's Day always reminds me of you...

I'm sorry I left like that without a word. 
I was young and scared and weak and I didn't know what else to do.

***
Oh, Valentine! You know me so well...

I always wanted to find you passed out and covered in whipped cream in my bed.
The teddy bear was especially thoughtful, too.

***
On this Valentine's Day, all I ask of you...

Is that you not speak. 
I am only dating you for your motorcycle.

***
Nothing is more romantic, my Valentine...

Than a "fancy" dinner at the Olive Garden where you flirt with the server and leave a lousy tip.

***
When I said I loved you...

I was really drunk and thinking of someone else.
Happy Valentine's Day.

***
When we first met...

I wish you had told me that 
you were really into dudes.
Happy Valentine's Day.

***
Happy Valentine's Day, my true love...

like the coffee grinder I gave you on our first Valentine's Day together,
we are still going strong after a lot of 
years of hard work.

***

Perhaps I should stick to my day job. 





27 comments:

  1. HAAAAAAA! Nice!

    Happy Happy! Joy Joy! <3

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  2. You're amazingly creative you know that? I like these. Especially the motorcycle one.

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    1. Just desperate for a blog post late at night. ;)
      The motorcycle one is fun, isn't it?

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  3. Teee hee. Th coffee grinder one was actually kinda sweet:) I also liked the motorcycle one!

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    1. The coffee grinder one is true. I gave my husband a coffee grinder on our first Valentine's Day and we still are using it, every day at least once.

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  4. That is flippin' hilarious! You are a mad genius!

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  5. I offer this in the spirit of the occasion…I can do this because I paid my dues with my own post this morning, a different kind of poem from this little verse.

    "Roses are red, violets are blue.
    Can you get me a beer, maybe a few?"

    Sorry, poem from a lounge lizardette, to her lizard.

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    1. That's fabulous. "Lounge lizard" is one of those almost onomatopoeic phrases in its aptness.

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  6. So funny! My kids have gotten older and are on to us now....there is no secret stash of on sale chocolates that they don't know about!

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    1. Mine are starting to discover ours, too. They act all hurt: "Why didn't you share?"

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  7. How does one smell *vaguely* of fish? Seems like a YES or NO kind of situation. LOL That was a ton of fun.

    Happy Valentine's Day you gorgeous soul! XO

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    1. HA! I suppose you're right.
      Happy Valentine's Day to you, too!

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  8. LOL!! How about this one for the teen mean girls:

    Roses are red
    Violets ar blue
    Who needs enemies
    With a bitch friend like you?!

    Love! Happy Valentine's Day!!!

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    1. Get out! I wrote this exact poem and handed it out to the pre-school moms today!

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  9. I treasure your ability to scoot past an edge of fun and into the really fun place which is this post. Bless you for helping me have some fun today by writing it for me. love - RDK

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    1. Glad I could provide some entertainment. Are you saying I go too far? Moi? Never.

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  10. I think you should market these! I even have a friend who could send the 'into dudes' one to her ex!
    Nothing says love like a good laugh. Happy Heart Day!

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    1. Ha! I was thinking about this today. I have a hard time buying Valentine's cards for people I love because they always such horribly sappy things. Perhaps there's a market for just completely demented ones?

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  11. Replies
    1. Thanks for the vote of confidence! Perhaps if I had someone to pitch them for me...

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  12. These are hilarious--and probably true for more people than you'd think. I once actually bought a card for Hubby that said, "There's only one you...which is good, because one is all I can handle." We have never really done the Valentine's Day or even anniversary thing. As I commented elsewhere, I'm not really into the grand gesture on a prescribed day deal.

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    1. I am with you on that. I find the grand gestures somewhat embarrassing and sometimes difficult to clean up.
      Maybe I'll start a little card shop on Etsy for the more demented among us.

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  13. Switch Olive Garden for Applebee's and I could send each and every one of these to someone. I think you have a greeting card writing gig in your future!

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    1. Applebee's is WAAAAAYYYY classier than Olive Garden. ;)

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  14. This is my favorite:

    After all these years, I saw your profile on Facebook and I just wanted to say...

    Who's ugly now, Mullet Man?!
    Happy Valentine's Day!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for reading and taking the time to say hello!