Gather 'round, cowpokes. It's Saturday night and it's time for cleaning out some stalls around the ol' Confession Ranch. You know what they're full of, so grab a shovel. It's knee-deep around here.
Stall #1: I was an Amway distributor for about a year in the early 90s. Oh yeah. I went to the rallies, attended the meetings, listened to the tapes, read the self-help books, I even tried to recruit a couple of people. In my defense, I was bored and aimless and I had a massive crush on my sponsor. Isn't that the way it always goes? I discovered a few things about myself in the process and I ate a lot of vitamins and power bars along the way, so it wasn't a complete wash. I discovered I am neither a capitalist nor an entrepreneur. I also discovered that my dream was not the so-called American dream. I discovered that I am not what you would call a networker, but I did learn how to "Win Friends and Influence People" - but not really because I always felt disingenuous putting ol' Dale Carnegie's tips to use. These were all important discoveries even though I didn't realize it at the time and spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me. My sponsor asked me what I would do with an extra $5000 a month and I said I would help pay off my parents' debts and then give some to charity. I think I was supposed to buy a fur coat or something. Regardless, I watched people from all walks put themselves out there, risk their credibility and their dignity for something they believed in. This is admirable. A lesson could be learned.
Stall #2: I would rather be the Chief of Staff than the President. I would rather be the guy who works hard to make things work. I would rather be the one behind the scenes than the one in public view. I would rather retire quietly to the sidelines and cheer on a more charismatic person. This drove my mother crazy while I was in high school. One of my best friends was extremely popular and had a great way with people. I would help him execute his wild schemes and he would get the credit. This didn't bother me. Especially when the recognition for the wild schemes came in the form of detention. Now I have extremely charismatic kids. I don't know why, people just like them. So once again, I get to be in my comfort zone - in the background - while they get the attention and make the friends. For some reason this doesn't bother my mother, even though it's basically the same thing.
Stall #3: I have harbored a dream since I was quite young of being an author. Of books. Of actual, tangible books. For a long time I kind of thought that if I just kept writing enough, someone would come along and notice my Norma Jeans and turn them into Marilyns. Now I've known for some time that's not really how things work and I've finally gotten over the strange Puritanical hurdle that writing is a frivolous pastime, but I wonder if I've got the gumption. I have this fear cloaked as laziness (or laziness cloaked as fear, who can tell these things?) that holds me back from really sitting down and working something out. (See Stalls #1 & #2 for lack of entrepreneurial spirit, ability or desire to self-promote, etc.)
**If this is getting boring, you should Google "pannus" (be sure to have it set on Images) and then you'll want to read anything.**
Stall #4: I was a theater major for a few years in college. I loved acting, loved the stage, the lights at my feet, a room stuffed with people I couldn't see, sitting in orderly rows, waiting for me to speak. I appeared in two public access cable shows: The Hot Plate, and University Boulevard. I am terrified that they will turn up on YouTube somewhere (don't go looking for them.) I did not enjoy the competition and self-promotion. The theater parties were always fun because they involved costumes. They were also a tedious bore because have you ever been in a room full of drunken thespians trying to out-Shakespeare each other? So I dropped out of school for a while and ended up getting my degree in psychology which is almost the same as theater.
Stall #5: My youngest child is going to school full time in the fall and it's put me in a bit of a state. I am ready for him to go, I will not cry when I drop him off. He is ready to go and I would not deprive him of the absolute joy and excitement of that first day by getting all mired in my own angst. But it has put to the forefront of my mind lately that the career I left to stay home with the kids is no longer really waiting for me. Nor am I anxious to pursue it again. I am floating above this whole thing just observing for now. I am somewhat appalled that I'm 37 years old and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Except an old man, but that's still a few years down the road.
I'm just stalling.
Stall #1: I was an Amway distributor for about a year in the early 90s. Oh yeah. I went to the rallies, attended the meetings, listened to the tapes, read the self-help books, I even tried to recruit a couple of people. In my defense, I was bored and aimless and I had a massive crush on my sponsor. Isn't that the way it always goes? I discovered a few things about myself in the process and I ate a lot of vitamins and power bars along the way, so it wasn't a complete wash. I discovered I am neither a capitalist nor an entrepreneur. I also discovered that my dream was not the so-called American dream. I discovered that I am not what you would call a networker, but I did learn how to "Win Friends and Influence People" - but not really because I always felt disingenuous putting ol' Dale Carnegie's tips to use. These were all important discoveries even though I didn't realize it at the time and spent a lot of time wondering what was wrong with me. My sponsor asked me what I would do with an extra $5000 a month and I said I would help pay off my parents' debts and then give some to charity. I think I was supposed to buy a fur coat or something. Regardless, I watched people from all walks put themselves out there, risk their credibility and their dignity for something they believed in. This is admirable. A lesson could be learned.
Stall #2: I would rather be the Chief of Staff than the President. I would rather be the guy who works hard to make things work. I would rather be the one behind the scenes than the one in public view. I would rather retire quietly to the sidelines and cheer on a more charismatic person. This drove my mother crazy while I was in high school. One of my best friends was extremely popular and had a great way with people. I would help him execute his wild schemes and he would get the credit. This didn't bother me. Especially when the recognition for the wild schemes came in the form of detention. Now I have extremely charismatic kids. I don't know why, people just like them. So once again, I get to be in my comfort zone - in the background - while they get the attention and make the friends. For some reason this doesn't bother my mother, even though it's basically the same thing.
Stall #3: I have harbored a dream since I was quite young of being an author. Of books. Of actual, tangible books. For a long time I kind of thought that if I just kept writing enough, someone would come along and notice my Norma Jeans and turn them into Marilyns. Now I've known for some time that's not really how things work and I've finally gotten over the strange Puritanical hurdle that writing is a frivolous pastime, but I wonder if I've got the gumption. I have this fear cloaked as laziness (or laziness cloaked as fear, who can tell these things?) that holds me back from really sitting down and working something out. (See Stalls #1 & #2 for lack of entrepreneurial spirit, ability or desire to self-promote, etc.)
**If this is getting boring, you should Google "pannus" (be sure to have it set on Images) and then you'll want to read anything.**
Stall #4: I was a theater major for a few years in college. I loved acting, loved the stage, the lights at my feet, a room stuffed with people I couldn't see, sitting in orderly rows, waiting for me to speak. I appeared in two public access cable shows: The Hot Plate, and University Boulevard. I am terrified that they will turn up on YouTube somewhere (don't go looking for them.) I did not enjoy the competition and self-promotion. The theater parties were always fun because they involved costumes. They were also a tedious bore because have you ever been in a room full of drunken thespians trying to out-Shakespeare each other? So I dropped out of school for a while and ended up getting my degree in psychology which is almost the same as theater.
Stall #5: My youngest child is going to school full time in the fall and it's put me in a bit of a state. I am ready for him to go, I will not cry when I drop him off. He is ready to go and I would not deprive him of the absolute joy and excitement of that first day by getting all mired in my own angst. But it has put to the forefront of my mind lately that the career I left to stay home with the kids is no longer really waiting for me. Nor am I anxious to pursue it again. I am floating above this whole thing just observing for now. I am somewhat appalled that I'm 37 years old and I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Except an old man, but that's still a few years down the road.
I'm just stalling.
Dear you, I wonder if you've taken the Jung personality inventory. Ialmost have you pegged as an INTJ type. I'm only able to peg them because it's what I see in a mirrored glass. 2, 3 and four we close to my heart...or, stalls. Have a good one, RDK
ReplyDeleteClose, but no cigar. I'm INFJ. I've taken this inventory so very many times - always the same. I sort of balance between T & F, though. That quadrant is never as clear cut as the other 3. I wonder how many writers fit in one of those types?
DeleteUHHHHH - yeah - INFJ - balanced precariously between F and T -- even J and P get a bit shaky at times.....SISTERS!
DeleteThis is so funny to me because the INFJs and INTJs are a very small percentage of the population and so many are to be found right here. Birds of a feather and whatnot...
DeleteI'm an INFJ, too. I have to whine a bit here–How come all the best people I find for chatting for hours with over coffee live on the internet and not in Los Alamos, New Mexico? :)
DeleteLoved "getting my degree in psychology which is almost the same as theater"
ReplyDeleteI am in the middle of searching as well. I figure I have about a third of my life left and I spend as much time writing as possible. I thought I was almost at 500 blog posts, but then I had forgot to include my other blogs, so 500 was a while ago.
ABSOLUTELY - a degree in psych hinges on an attraction to drams -- an MA in it potentially makes you the director...
DeleteEsb - That is a lot of writing! And it's so funny, too. No one has a style like you!
Deletesebtown - Amen. I find I am becoming less attracted to drama as I age, though.
I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I decide to take on another life-path, I just say I "retired" the previous life-path. I think it's sufficient enough. I don't think I could do the same thing for 30, 40 or 50 years. There's too much in life to explore than stick with one thing. I believe you have a writer in you. You have beautifully written posts that are always thoughtful and insightful (whether you mean them to be or not, that is how they always appear to me). And I can totally see the thespian in you. I was a thespian (still would be if I had the opportunity). The stage is one of my favorite places to be. :) I prefer the musical variety.
ReplyDeleteAnd, once upon a time, when I was about 40 , I found myself at that same place where you are standing - the youngest one starting school, me not mourning that at all, but also not feeling the love for the previous profession. Sat back and let things unfold. Interesting how it all worked out.
DeleteTaylor - No one would really want me to sing on stage. I like your idea of "retiring". It's a bit of an old-fashioned notion that we take a career and stick with until we retire or die. Thank you for your kindness about my writing. I am pleased to know that my words find a generous audience!
Deletesebtown - I am looking forward to seeing how this all unfolds for me. There is less urgency than when I was younger to be something. I will content myself with being someone.
DeleteI would write a novel in a minute, if I thought I had a prayer getting it published. I could never jump through the necessary hoops to make it happen. I am content to write every day of my life, for no other reason, than my own enjoyment. I do enjoy the writing of others, and find many similarities in thought and in practice. I look at your archive listing, and wonder what was the impetus for your going from one post in September, to thirty posts in November. Our gain, thank you very much.
ReplyDeleteOh, the hoops. I'm not a very good hoop-jumper, but I'm not sure if I'm content for it just to be for me. Time will tell. As you have observed, I was afraid of publishing here on this blog for months, but I got over that obviously.
DeleteI agree with Taylor, you're definitely a writer. With grand kids that I can only love (a whole, whole lot), I'm looking around for what I want to get into next.
ReplyDeleteWhile I sucked at MLM'g because I never wanted to close the sell, I was an awesome cheerleader for the team. I'm a great cheerleader.
When raising my daughter, everything was for my family. When MLM'g, everything was for the team. Trying to cheer for myself, however, looks like, dot, dot, dot - Blink. A little different on this side. Requires a little more neck than I'd originally anticipated. Oh and it requires kahunas. Big. Steel. Kahunas.
Holding your hand as we grow-up :)
Great big brass ones, eh? I don't think I have those in very rich supply. :)
DeleteThank you for the hand-holding. All of us are trying to "grow up" in one way or another. I, too, am a cheerleader and it is a strange and wonderful thing to find all of these cheerleaders in my corner!
You, my friend, *are* an author. Just as yet unpublished. If you haven't yet, consider reading Stephen King's On Writing. You words regularly bring me to tears, to introspection, to feelings of accomplishment, to feelings of admiration. Anyone who can stir that much in an otherwise inattentive chick in Austin is truly an author.
ReplyDeleteGo with your bad self, TL. Write, and be published. And let us all say we knew you when.
My word: dowtyi. As in, TL, don't you dare dowtyi and your talents. Love.
You, my friend, are a dear. I keep thinking about King's book. I should read it but I'm a little afraid of what it might spawn. I'm a chicken until I'm suddenly not. Don't ask me to explain.
DeleteI am so amazed and appreciative that I can stir things. Wow.
I so agree with the M Half - you ARE a writer! You make me think, laugh and think again! Please keep it up!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Judy! So kind. I will keep it up for now. Just spinning wheels and mulling options. Being a crybaby and a chicken about it. Seriously, the support I've received just in these few short months of blogging has been astounding and a giant nudge in the direction of a dream.
DeleteOkay -- hear what your audience is saying. You are a writer. You write every day. I gather that the path to real publication is complicated but certainly worth exploring for you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with JT! I have trouble picturing you as a Thespian, though I must admit I will definitely be googling those shows:)
DeleteI'm thinking I definitely need to take that test again- how does everyone remember what they are??
p.s. I would totally support you in your grown-up job as old man. Maybe an old man writer, though, so you'd have something tangible I could buy, to help support you?
Cdnkaro - I would so love to be an old man writer. Just a crochety old gran'daddy of a coot. That would be so very much fun. Don't bother Googling the shows. I remember because I've taken that test so very, very many times. And because in a work setting when I took it, I had to do the group project all by myself because we split off into personality type groups. And then the accountant from our company yelled at me because I did the group project "wrong". My personality was "wrong". This is why I am not an accountant.
DeleteSebtown - I'm listening. I'm mulling. I'm stalling.
Growing up is overrated. Growing down is the thing to do, paring off the layers as we dig our roots deeper into fecund soil. Damn... where is Peter Pan when a gal needs him?!?!? ;)
ReplyDeleteSeriously though, you already are something.
A pretty darn good something or so it seems.
Many of the most successful people on the planet have cited their children as their greatest achievement.
It is hard work being a good parent. Hard & important work... Your charge is the future of the world.
Nice getting to know a bit more about you.
Funny, isn't it?
Instead of asking people, 'What's your sign?", we, of the cyberverse, now ask them what their Jungian profile is. Haha "BOB" bless the internet. I'm an INTJ most of the time and a pain in the ass all of the time. Thanks for sharing your wealth here. xoxo
I like the image of growing down.
DeleteYou are sweet because you remind me of what my hardest job is and you remind me what it really is about - not just homework and baths and squabbling siblings - it's about these small humans who will one day rule the world.
INTJs are always a pain in the ass, but we're worth the trouble. :) xo
Just thinking about your post. Mired in angst while cleaning stables, discussing children going off to school, thespians and psychology in the context of the American Way.
ReplyDeleteOK. I might get it one of these days. Angst is not a german word actually. It is Norwegian and got its fame from the Danish philospher Kierkegaard who believed that the freedom given to people leaves the human in a constant fear of failing his/her responsibilities to God. Hence Angest. So, now we have God in this mixture, in these stables with a number of stalls. Alright, now what does this mean.
You might consider seeing a psychologist and discussing Jung. There is something basic about manure when raised in the context of God that might require a profound rethink on lifes direction. Just a thought now mind you. Your need to work constantly in the context of cleaning, i.e. Amway, stables, children, might also suggest a direction.
Just to defend poor Carl here (as in Carl Gusfav Jung) -- the man was brilliant, intuitive and he had a sense of humor (“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” CGJ) -- what a guy --
DeleteGarry - I'm dizzy with it all.
Deletesebtown - I adore CGJ. He's the one who sold me on the whole psychology degree.
You know I google the whole time I'm on here. And I had to google pannus because, well, I just have to read everything.
ReplyDelete[Horrible. Horrible. Horrible. Thank you so much for specifying the images. Why am I so gullible?]
Now I have to google Jungian. What? is that? I think cleaning out tangible stalls might be a little easier.
yES:I did the same thing but I did not want to give you the satisfaction of being able to say what Larissa has just written. So there.
DeleteCarl Gustav Jung, Larissa. He's the father of analytical psychology and was Sigmund Freud's protege until they parted ways over some significant issues. What appeals to me about Jung is that he acknowledges the divine in all of us.
DeleteI am so very, very sorry that you Googled pannus. Don't ever listen to me.
Oh I see. I'm not much into Freud. Actually not at all, quite disagree with most everything he stood for. And I'll check out this Jung dude. (:
DeleteAnd about the pannus. Don't worry. I knew better but couldn't help it.
Freud was (I believe) wrong about a lot of things, but he was revolutionary in his time and paved the way for a lot of people to think differently about the psyche. He gets wholly discredited because he was pretty insane, but he had the seeds of good ideas that were germinated and grown by others.
DeleteYou are one of my favorite writers. No exaggeration.
ReplyDeleteOh, and just in time for Valentine’s Day, please clickety click for your award. :O)
Thank you, thank you, a thousand times, thank you for so many things.
DeleteI agree with Beth. A friend and newly minted blogger asked for other blogs she must read. Yours was one of only 5 I said was a hands down must.
DeleteOh my goodness, Jane! That is so nice! I am truly flattered and so so... speechless.
DeleteSuzanne, I could totally see you as an author. I read A LOT of blogs, or at least I check a lot of them out. You shine. Your writing is excellent. Go for it! You are one of the good ones.
ReplyDeleteAs if your work here were not proof enough, your confessions about wanting to stay in the background, etc, etc actually make you perfect writer material. As Anne Lamott says, "Seeing yourself in print is such an amazing concept: you can get so much attention without having to actually show up somewhere." ;)
ReplyDeleteThank you, MM. Ms. Lamott's assessment is appealing. In spite of my having been a budding thespian, I really eschew attention because of my tendency to blurt inappropriate things on account of my nerves.
Delete