Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I Fell In Love Today

I tripped out of flannel sheets into the chilly morning and I fell in love. A pile of blankets on the living room floor, two small heads poking out, little eyes focused, little lips moving silently, hair and breath that spoke of early rising - quietly cuddled with each a book, patiently awaiting the day.

I fell in love today with the street. Unseasonably clear and wide open skies - the kind I forget exist when the clouds always crowd the edges - a yawn of trees, sparkling sentinels in the uncharacteristic morning sun. They waved their arms in alarm at me and pointed to the west. And there she was: stony, stark, crested with white just the palest shade lighter than the icy sky - the mountain. An opulent dowager presiding over the city.

I fell in love today with a pile of wood. Maple, cherry, alder. Just a few sticks of cedar for kindling. I fell in love with my arms and legs and back again as I hauled and stacked and hauled some more. These bundles of potential energy in my arms, promising their hard and seasoned warmth in this, the most uncertain of our seasons.


I fell in love today with a little boy. His dimpled chin and crooked grin. He winks and does the pointed finger thumbs up at me. "Is there room to stand up there?" he asks of the mountains and barely waits to hear before he's off - climbing mountains in his mind. There is, doubtless, heavy machinery and technical jargon involved. He catches me watching him think. He winks at me and I melt. In everything he's casual. "I feel kind of chokey and I have a headache today," he says calmly while he plays with my hair, "Do you think it would be all right if I didn't go to school today? I think I need to rest." So rest we did. I lost myself in those dark, dark eyes and cocky grin and forgot the question.


I fell in love with a tall tale today. My proud little girl declares "Mine was the tallest!" Indeed it was. Well over six feet tall, this tale was. A tale spun by a precious Bird of a hero, Violet. She uses her new-found super power to save her village, but she undertakes the task of the saving before she even knows her ability. This tale that says so much about its author. I swoon over her dialogue, expression, her metaphors. I swoon over her own super-power, that great big heart that bulges through everything she does. She shows more gums than teeth when she gives me her proudest grin. Hers is the tallest tale.

I fell in love with myself today. I walked into the kitchen to get my vitamins, I ate some jelly beans and forgot. I told the firewood guy I was waiting for him to leave so I could roll naked in the beautiful wood. I spoke with nerves and without filter as I often do when confronted with talk that is small. He laughed and said "Look out for splinters!" and drove his truck away quickly. I spent an hour doing something that should take a minute. I wandered the paths in my head and found myself standing in strange places wondering why I had opened the fridge. I giggled with monkeys and exasperated them and then scolded them and told them to clean up the mess. I contradicted, I forgot, I drank too much coffee and spent too much time staring into space, imagining what I will wear when I'm famous. My pants fall down, my socks don't match, I am a grouch. I love it all.

I fell in love with a man today. He works alongside me every day. His work is away from here, mine is always here, but he's there. He phones to tell me ridiculous things. He comes straight home from work and stacks wood with me, shooing me away to take a break. He reads my words and glows. He knows me, with my pants and my socks and my wandering open fridge and he laughs. He hugs me. He hugs them. He knows withheld affection personally and will never withhold. He bathes and he tucks and he reads and he prays and he kisses good night. And then we speak of things that grownups do when children have gone to bed: the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, the merits of maple wood, sauerkraut and Ricky Gervais. He sets my hair on fire. He calls me by my true name that no one else knows.

I fell in love today. I fell in love with the horizon, the mess on my living room floor, the dirty socks beside my bed, the chaos of a smile, the silence of a telephone call, the projects left unfinished by my chair, the books I have yet to read, the words I have yet to write. I fell in love with possibility, with endurance, with compassion, with awkwardness and grief. I fell in love today. I fell in love with today.

43 comments:

  1. I just fell in love with the word "alder." It conjures up maple-colored hardwood and frankincense smells and I don't know why. We don't have alders in Oklahoma, I don't believe. If we do, I've never connected them with an image. So - I'll just sit with my hand-crafted alder image and thank you for that. ~ Red Dirt Kelly

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    1. You are not too far off. I think they are in the birch family, but their name is way sexier and their wood is harder, burns hotter. Also their leaves turn the most magnificent yellow in the fall.

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  2. I personally do not see anything wrong with falling in love with yourself. Now, there are those who might think that this is a bit Narcissistic or egoma niacal or a confoudation of humility, but no not me, I think that it is a good psycholically firm stance to take. When the world is sort of all ruddy red and beautiful, why it is very easy to fall in love with the observer at the center, and by gum, if that happens to be you, well that is the way the cookie grumbles on that day. I also personally think that love is better than hate when it comes to self. Self Hate is a hard one especially when your favourite song is pants on the ground or mismatch socks two step. So, enjoy your moments of mirrored glory, there is still tomorrow when it will all come crashing down and you will be normal again, not that I have anything against normal people.

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    1. I tried self-hate for a while. It made me dull and it was far messier. Ego-mania isn't loving oneself - it's hubris covering for insecurity.

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  3. I hope you didn't get any splinters while rolling in the pile of wood. I wood-unt recommend it because there might be some follow up mending time after wrecking your skin.

    WordVeri: inche

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    1. I did not actually do it. Nor did I ever intend to, really. I was just really excited about a good load of fire wood and that is what fell out of my mouth.

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  4. I fell in love with words today, all over again. They are always rearranged in different patterns, and I like the pattern of words here. Thanks for aiding and abetting my love affair with words.

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    1. You are quite welcome. Fortunately there are enough words to go around so we can all conduct these love affairs with them without nasty love triangles.

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  5. I just fell in love with a post. I'm picturing you rolling in a pile of wood, but only because esbboston brought it up again- I wasn't fixating on that! I think that loving oneself is necessary in order to be able to truly love another-and I'm glad you do.

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    1. Thank you. I hope the picturing of that doesn't interrupt digestion or anything. :)
      I believe the same thing about loving oneself and it has been a hard-won battle.

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  6. I fell in love with a five year old yesterday. She has bright eyes and is curious. She embraces the world because she knows no better. She takes chances because she is not afraid. Her sparkly eyes are wide open and she is full of natural affection and empathy.

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    1. And, the piece that I intentionally left out is, by far, the most poignant. That five year old lives inside me. I am only just recently getting acquainted with her and she is changing my world.

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    2. I had a hunch. That makes it all the more brilliant!

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  7. Well. You have made me cry and smile and giggle. That was just beautiful, thank you so much for sharing this intimate glimpse into your loving family life. Your moneys re very blessed to have you both, as you are blessed to have them. xo

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    1. Thank you. Now you've made me cry and smile and giggle! xo

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  8. Well, I just fell in love with your prose. Out of approximately 88 items on my Google Reader, this one made the hairs on my arm stand aright and the smell of a far-away Seattle house I'll never see drift under my nose–the smell of fresh-cut alder and warm children, happy people. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Oh my, thank you. I'm not crying. I just have something in my eye.

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  9. This is so lovely! Sometimes I read something and it resonates within me....this is one of those reads. Thank you!

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    1. I'm glad I could resonate. Thank you for reading!

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  10. I fell in love with a post today. A post written with love, expertly weaving ordinary words into an extraordinary tapestry. I fell in love with the mental pictures conjured, the glimpse into an ordinary life truly appreciated and therefore made extraordinary. Of course I don't see these images when I look head on. I have to glance out of the corners of my eyes, as they are the Periphery.

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    1. This is just poetry in itself. Thank you.

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  11. That was absolutely beautiful! Thank you for such a vivid journey. We could all stand a few moments of finding perfection in all that isn't. I love when you write about your family, I smile every. single. time.

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    1. Oh yea, my verification word was "odama" ~ A pretty cool one!

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    2. The next one was "eferr" ~ I'm afraid to see what the next one is :).

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    3. Thank you, you dear person. I'm glad to know I bring smiles. The world needs more of those.

      My daughter writes "Odama" because she still mixes up her d's and b's.

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  12. I'm willing to be that the firewood guy didn't want to leave :)

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    1. Ha! He got out of there pretty quickly. I can now add: "Made a lumberjack blush" to my resume.

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  13. (: We've been having happy days all over haven't we. I'm loving what its results are!

    This was beautiful!

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    1. It's that gorgeous sky or something, right? Thanks for the love, sweetie! Happy days, happy days.

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  14. Glorious! Thanks for this!

    I needed the smile.
    xoxoxo

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    1. You're welcome, dear. So happy to make you smile.
      xoxo

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  15. Absolutely worth reading!!! :D Glad I came across this through Lori!

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    1. Wow! Thanks for stopping by and I'm glad it was worth the trip! That Lori, she's a peach.

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  16. Beautiful...you're writing always calms me.

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    1. Thank you! Writing calms me, too! Ha ha!

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  17. Geez. This one just knocked my socks off. That is all.

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  18. I'm not sure how it's possible, but I am somehow simultaneously grateful to have read it and wildly jealous that I didn't write it. I'll bet the Germans have a multisyllabic word for that exact emotion, huh?

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    1. I'll bet they do. I shall have to eat a Bavarian Cream Pie to see if the word is at the bottom of it. Meanwhile, thank you and I'm quite familiar with the mixture of emotions you describe. I get them when I read your blog.

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    2. Well, except the headless children one. That just gave me the willies, but surely you understand.

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  19. "I spoke with nerves and without filter as I often do when confronted with talk that is small."

    I fell in love with you today.

    PS Not in a stalker way. Just in a beautifully-expressed soul way.

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Thanks for reading and taking the time to say hello!