Cupid's Misfires

I got two bouquets of flowers for Boss's Day this year, I also get them sometimes because it's a Tuesday or because I'm really tired, or because he felt like it. I buy chocolate whenever it's on sale. The Chief Lou and I have "Date Night" every night after the monkeys go to sleep - where usually we eat the sale chocolate and watch DVDs or read together or something incredibly romantic like that. Valentine's Day in our house is centered mostly on the manufacture of tiny handmade cards for classmates and surprising the monkeys with balloons and treats on the morning of February 14th.

I have a rather dim view of holidays intent on promoting the sale of greeting cards and demoting anyone who doesn't have anyone to give them said greeting cards. Love, like everything else, should be celebrated daily in myriad ways that do not involve mass consumption of disposable goods. Although mass consumption of chocolate is a good idea almost any time. Except right before dinner. Unless you know dinner might be especially nasty.

I'm not ungrateful, Cupid has been good to me. We've reached an understanding. Or rather, I have. It took a good many misfires for me to realize what was up. I had a whole post written on this topic, but it was long-winded and sounded self-pitying (which I'm not. Well, I'm long-winded occasionally, but not self-pitying. Especially not in regards to silly holidays.) I read somewhere that aspiring writers can make some freelance money in the greeting card industry, so instead, I decided to try my hand at that. Here are some Valentine's cards I could have written over the years. Perhaps I can send them off to Hallmark and make a few bucks.

I am so glad you asked her to the Valentine's dance instead of me...

Your hands were clammy and you always smelled vaguely of fish. 

***

After all these years, I saw your profile on Facebook and I just wanted to say...

Who's ugly now, Mullet Man?!

Happy Valentine's Day!

***

Valentine's Day always reminds me of you...

I'm sorry I left like that without a word. 

I was young and scared and weak and I didn't know what else to do.

***

Oh, Valentine! You know me so well...

I always wanted to find you passed out and covered in whipped cream in my bed.

The teddy bear was especially thoughtful, too.

***

On this Valentine's Day, all I ask of you...

Is that you not speak. 

I am only dating you for your motorcycle.

***

Nothing is more romantic, my Valentine...

Than a "fancy" dinner at the Olive Garden where you flirt with the server and leave a lousy tip.

***

When I said I loved you...

I was really drunk and thinking of someone else.

Happy Valentine's Day.

***

When we first met...

I wish you had told me that 

you were really into dudes.

Happy Valentine's Day.

***

Happy Valentine's Day, my true love...

like the coffee grinder I gave you on our first Valentine's Day together,

we are still going strong after a lot of 

years of hard work.

***

Perhaps I should stick to my day job.