Monday, October 15, 2012

A Year of Blogging Dangerously

$20,000 annual stipend, a brand new iMac, a pocket video camera. All of this in exchange for writing 500 innocuous words a week and occasionally handing out T-shirts and key chains at public events. Why not? I ask you, why not?!

My credit union is big on community. That's part of the reason it's my credit union. That, and they have free pomegranate lip balm in their lobby. I'll never have to buy lip balm again. Besides making sure that all of their customers have smooth, supple lips, they also have a series of blogs linked to their web page to foster this sense of community. Every couple of years they have a contest for their Mom blog. After circling it like a hyena for a year or so, I finally entered last year. Because why not?

Suffice it to say that I didn't get the gig. I didn't even make the first cut. They weren't looking for me. I submitted a post about potted plants; they were looking for potty training and wine at the end of the day. I have no talent for that sort of thing. So I decided that I would blog for free. Because why not? I didn't know anything about blogging. I read a few, wondered who their readers were and stumbled into BlogHer, where they were just gearing up for NaBloPoMo. I was amazed to discover that people actually would willingly read my stuff and share it with others. I was completely enchanted with all of these other people out there quietly doing what I wanted to do. I discovered some invaluable friends and have gotten so much feedback on my writing that I don't even know what to do with it.

I am a terrible blogger. I don't always respond to comments, I don't join blogging groups, I read posts all the time without commenting. I am sporadic and grumpy. I am not a networker, I barely understand social media and I chafe at the unwritten "rules" of it all. I am a terrible blogger, but I keep blogging. Because of you, of course. Because I read your words and I am inspired. Because I am thrilled with the knowledge of all these smart people thinking and writing it down. Because I feel connected to something larger than my own journals and notebooks and scribbled post-it notes.

I am a decent writer. Shall I tell you a story? I have written forever. I can't remember not writing. I can't remember a time when I didn't look around and make up stories in my head. I don't know what it would be like to look around a crowded room and not wonder what is happening inside the brains of others. Something happened, though. Some kind of message received through the garbled reception of my perception. Back when I was making the kinds of decisions that I was far too young to make and everyone tells you that it will affect the rest of your life, I decided that writing wasn't a "real job". I decided that I could keep my silly little hobby to myself. I decided that I must do something "useful", something "worthwhile". I had this nonstop Morse Code of negative bleeping through my brain: self-indulgent, waste of time, pipe dream, useless, immature, arrogant, self-involved, etc. And I believed it. And I went to college and got a semi-respectable degree in a field I enjoyed, but really only so much. I mostly enjoyed it because it facilitated the writing; it gave me fodder for the stories in my head.

A year ago, I decided to listen to myself for once and get serious about the writing. Not about the blogging; about the writing. There's a difference to me. Blogging is a means to an end for me. It is a space where I can make connections with other writers, explore ideas, try different writing exercises, etc. People blog for a lot of reasons. I had no clear idea what I was doing when I started. I just wanted to write every day. That has evolved over time. Most of my writing is now done off the blog. But I keep this going because I like the community. I like the lip balm in the lobby. There are Mommy blogs, DIY blogs, journalistic blogs, some read like a diary - thoughts for the day, current events, a place to gripe, to shine, to rejoice. Mine has never felt like any of those things. I have no pigeon-hole and I'm all right with that, mostly. But sometimes I feel like it makes my readers a bit uneasy.

I am a terrible blogger, but I'm a decent writer. I am writing, writing, writing when no one is looking and it is thriving. I am having some blogging growing pains. I am casting about for some direction. I don't want to give up the community, but sometimes the blogging is a distraction from the writing. I guess I'm trying to figure out what this blog wants to be when it grows up. If you're reading this now, then it's for you that I keep blogging.

What would you like to see?
What's working?
What isn't?

Be honest. I'm really asking. I am not fishing for compliments.

28 comments:

  1. Honestly? I love Periphery just the way it is.

    I keep coming back because of the writing you do, the thoughts you share, the motivation and inspiration this place sparks for me. Because it's not about "..potty training and wine at the end of the day.." Because I always leave with something, even if it is a kick in the butt to get back to writing because I need more of this happening in my own neck of the woods, I need to sit down and write for myself and maybe for others.

    Honestly? I come here for selfish reasons. Because someone once told me to spend time with the people I want to be like, so I read those I want to write like. Take it as a compliment if you'd like, but it really is truth in its selfishnessest form.

    So my opinion might be quite useless, stay just the way you are. Please.

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    1. I absolutely agree! If you get much better, your blog may be taken up to Heaven.
      (I would, also, like to be like you when my writing grows up.)

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    2. Ladies, ladies. You flatter me. I appreciate so much the kind words and encouragement. You know how it goes with the writing... you see all of your own terrible writing along with the good and it all starts to blur sometimes.
      Honestly? I vacillate between the self-congratulatory: "My readers have the best taste on the planet" and the self-doubt: "These people are just being kind so I'll shut up."

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    3. Sorry. I'm still with Larissa. And those judges lost out. Big time.

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    4. You're sweet, Marianne. I think probably the judges were spot on with their decision. They didn't want to frighten the customers. I just entered the wrong contest is all! ;)

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  2. Hey Lady!! I only have a few seconds to comment, but that will force me to use my freshest reaction:

    a) please keep blogging. I too am SUPER inconsistent with commenting & responding to comments, but I think most people get that everyone s busy in different ways on different days. (poetry!!) I never want a comment out f obligation, not do I provide those to others. "Speak only when it improves the silence," and all.

    b) I am always entranced by your bamboo metaphors. By your metaphors, period. And by any post that starts off tasting one way and ends up being a feast.

    c) On the other hand, those posts tend to be long. And I don't always have both a long enough slice of time and a quiet enough room to read every one to my satisfaction. That makes for a lot of unread stuff, man, an it bums me out. Even the best intentions can't ever get me caught on my blog hopping.

    d) Your blog is one of the few places I can enjoy a dose f spirituality minus the religion, and I groove that.

    e) When in doubt, rite over bogging. Or just blog tiny little bits each day to keep us attached, so we can buy your book later.

    xoxoxoxo


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    1. I second this comment.

      (I've always wanted to say that! Daddy gets to say that all the time in his meetings, ... well maybe not "this comment" more like "this motion" but ... still.)

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    2. I have got to say that point "d" means a lot to me.
      I want very much for you all to have a book to buy one day. We shall see, we shall see.

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  3. You always make me smile AND think. Those two things don't always go together. So, for that I thank you and will keep coming back as long as you are here . . .which I hope will be forever.

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    1. Judy! You are so sweet always. "Smile AND think..." these are so important to life, no? I very much like to do both of these things, too. I'm glad that my little blog can show that.

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  4. I come here because you're a little like a controlled substance. I got a taste of your writing a year ago and haven't gotten enough of it yet. I really like when you tie in daily life with these big pondering thoughts that feel really real.

    Because I also heart you, I think you should do what calls to your heart. I agree with Marie about writing over blogging and keeping us attached, to help keep that community alive. I don't know what your writing schedule looks like - knowing you what little I do, there probably isn't a set schedule. :)

    But give yourself - and know your readers give you - permission to be absent from the blog for a while if you need to be. Maybe you blog once a week, maybe twice a month. Maybe you share what you've been experimenting with in your writing. Maybe you share pieces of what you're writing.

    And stop saying you're a terrible blogger. No, really. Stop that!

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    1. I really am a terrible blogger. Not a terrible writer, terrible blogger. There's a difference.
      You have some really good ideas here. Thank you.

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    2. I am a super-crappy, inconsistent blogger, so I relate to this a lot. I think I'm a good writer, although lazier and more distracted than you by far. I can't make up my mind what my blog is doing, I forget to return comments, I read blogs intending to comment and then never do, and I haven't looked at Twitter in three months. Super crappy. I think it's a question of being born at the wrong time. Or perhaps of just being horribly recalcitrant.

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    3. To all of this, I concur. Not that you're a crappy blogger. Just that it's so tedious to be a good blogger. I just wanna dance, man!

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  5. I think all of us look to you purely as a writer. We come here to see what you are up to with your writing, what you are experimenting with and what challenges you may be giving us, when you do. You're sort of the leader of a writer's group. So, really, do whatever you want with your blog! It'll be great.

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    1. I was really hoping that my readers looked to me as a fashion maven. Nuts. ;)
      So, you're saying that if I post about writing a lot and offer some audience participation from time to time, that won't get on everyone's nerves?

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    2. I think you give us permission to experiment and expand. You should just keep doing that. And, of course, we like you, so you should write enough about yourself that we feel amused. That will keep us all happy, I should think. And I'm sure our happiness is your greatest concern. ;)

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    3. Always. Top of my To-Do list every day.

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  6. I love the challenges, the audience participation....I missed the last one on femininity because of the whole sick husband thing, but I will be honest and admit I started to put pencil to paper as I sat by his beside. Then he woke up and asked what I was doing and it seemed kind of weird to say 'blogging'!

    Sometimes I totally identify with a post, sometimes I don't. But that's the beauty of reading blogs! If we were all the same, it would be dull reading.

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    1. I love the audience participation, too. I'm glad to know that other people enjoy it as much as I do. I think we will be doing more of that in the future.

      As for the writing at hubby's bedside, sometimes I have to write to get through stressful things. I wouldn't feel all that bad about it if I were you. Funny, even the act of sitting by your sick husband's bedside while he sleeps and thinking about femininity says so much about your feminine strength.

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  7. First of all, I want to say that this quote makes me uber happy (it might be a little bit ridiculous how happy...): "I am writing, writing, writing when no one is looking and it is thriving."

    To me that is number one. Number two, is that I love to come catch up on your blog. This is not a compliment, it just is. Even if I don't read you everyday that you post, I read every post. And I love every post, whether I agree with you or not, because you share so deeply and it's hard to find that now-a-days.

    Personally, I like that your blog doesn't fit into an exact niche. Good.

    As for what it wants to be when it grows up? I don't know, but I think you should keep writing here at least once a week because from a professional standpoint you can use your blog as a marketing platform for when you're querying your book (I assume you'll do this? Are doing this?). You have some awesome writing in here, as well as some awesome feedback, and you're building a readership base, showing commitment to readers, etc.

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    1. I have had similar thoughts as these. Keeping this little space around for the "one day".
      "Query" is a frightening word to me, but it will happen one day sooner than I think. I'll be all right with it by then, I suppose. As all right as one can be with such things.

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  8. I come here for your spirit. When I see it is when I love your writing best.

    No pigeon holes needed. Just you.

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    1. Thank you, V. It means a lot coming from you. Don't mind me. Just having a small existential crisis over here. It will pass.

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  9. Ok, next up in the bad blogging awards is the Sleepy one, who missed a few days reading and now has to catch up ;-)

    On a serious note I love to read you blog simply because you make me giggle on an alarmingly regular basis. From an entirely selfish stand point please keep blogging, even if it is less frequent just to make surefit in the writing. I say this because I also want to have my cake and eat it and am looking forward to reading you published :-)

    PS I too concure with all of the above and apologise for any repetition in my comment but I didn't want to not say it, lest you think I don't care!! (guess that is what happens when I am late to the party)

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  10. I am late, as always--bad bloggers unite!

    Anyway, I think this blog looks the way it does and attracts the readers it does because it is an organic extension of a natural process for you--partly about the writing practice, partly about the community and all the inspiration and goofiness and, sometimes, annoyance, that goes along with it. It works not because of any of the ways in which you're following the "rules" of blogging, but because of all the ways you're ignoring them completely. ;)

    There is no shortage of blogs covering the potty training-wine drinking circuit. There is only one Periphery.

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Thanks for reading and taking the time to say hello!