Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Surprising Superpowers

- Whenever I am out in public, I always put my hand in something sticky.

- I am a delusion magnet. If there is a stray schizophrenic within 25 feet of me, they will incorporate me into their delusions. Sometimes this results in yelling insults, sometimes a hug. [A few things about this... first, I worked in mental health before I chose to stay home with the monkeys, so I generally take this as a compliment. Second, I secretly believe that this happens to me because I am a semi-fictitious entity. I exist on a plane suspended between delusion and reality, so I assimilate well into both worlds. This is also why I can't do drugs.]

- I can fit my entire fist in my mouth.

- I can get a stranger to tell me their life story within ten minutes.

- I can give birth to giant babies the old fashioned way. I've since retired this superpower, though. Twice was enough.

- I can keep a completely straight face while joking. [This tends to be off-putting to people who don't know me that well, so I keep it under wraps.]

- I can get food in my hair even if I'm not eating or cooking.

- I can get away with almost anything because something about me just convinces people that I'm not capable of devious acts. [This was especially useful in high school.]

- The one exception to the above is that I cannot lie. I just don't know how to be anything but honest. Brutal honesty is its own superpower, but a bit double edged. Cuts right down on small talk.

- I can sing Tone Loc's Wild Thing in its entirety. Ditto Wham's Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go.

- I can blog while in a NyQuil haze.

What are your superpowers?

**Addendum: I just told a friend of mine what I was blogging about and he added these to the list: "drinking massive amounts of coffee, cleaning with purple Fabuloso, making pot bellies sound sexy, [something I won't repeat], crafting, making pillow Fortresses of Solitude (Superman reference), comforting friends across the country, stretching a dollar to feed four without fast food, being positive in the face of negativity, and creating  places in your readers' heads that they can enjoy." That was nice of him, wasn't it? Now I will return the nice and tell my readers that if ever they find themselves in Philly and in need of a tattoo, look him up at Body Graphics. He'll be the one drinking coffee and most likely messaging me on Facebook.**


  1. I don't have super powers, but I have souper powers. I make a wide variety of soups, it gets me through the cold seasons. If I think about it long enough I might accidentally discover something I am super at. Scary.

  2. The getting away with things reminds me of when I was in high school and my sister had just gotten in trouble (again) and we were in our room just before falling asleep and she said, "You're either really good or really good at not getting caught."

    I was actually neither. Just boring. :)

  3. @esbboston - Soup is an amazing superpower.
    @Masked Mom - Never boring! Not you! My brother & sister didn't do half of what I did as a teenager, but got in trouble way more. They didn't know how to work the system. Makes me worry for my own children.

  4. You must have unblocked me - thanks! :-)

    I can also get a stranger to tell me their entire life story in ten minutes, I cannot birth babies (oh god please no!), I cannot keep a straight face when telling a joke, and I know every word to Busta Move, The Humpty Dance, Posse on Broadway, and Ice, Ice Baby. I wonder how smart I'd be if I didn't have 90s song lyrics stuck in my head.

    We could be 90s Supa Sistahs. Or something.

  5. Oh, M-half, we could take that show on the road!

  6. I, too, can give birth to giant babies.
    Also, I can wake up mere seconds before my child wanders into my room.

  7. @Jewels - Yay for giant babies! And that 2nd superpower is extremely useful. Especially if there's a stomach bug going around.


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