Being a relatively quiet and nosy person, I tend to notice things. Things I'm not really supposed to notice, I don't think.
The other day I noticed an acquaintance of mine give his 17-year-old son a Lingering Man-Hug. He stroked his son's back, whispered something in his hear, and then drew back and kissed him on the forehead. As with most things that make me uncomfortable, I stared and watched the whole thing. Yes, it made me uncomfortable and that raised some Very Serious Questions.
Why did it make me uncomfortable?
Was it just because I was an accidental witness to what was obviously a private moment, somehow rendered more intimate by the public setting? Was it just because I was intruding? (Like when you watch a stranger eat. Such a personal, private thing to be gawped at.)
Was it because I am uncomfortable with seeing two men hug each other? I've seen my husband hug countless men, never lingering, but including a man at a parade with a "Free Hugs" sign. That doesn't make me uncomfortable. I've seen my neighbors, partners for nearly 20 years, hug each other and I just think it's sweet if I think about it at all.
Was it because they were father and son? Perhaps. It wasn't that many generations ago that for a father to show physical affection to his son was considered "unmanly". Do I have remnants of this notion that cling to me like a vestigial tail? I once received some lovely advice that I shouldn't be too affectionate with my (then 2-year-old) son because he might grow up "funny". I was appalled by this, and rightly so, I believe.
But is there a cut-off point in this physical affection? Does it at some point become uncomfortable? I think it's the cutest thing in the world when my 5-year-old son hugs his Daddy and kisses him on the mouth. Will I still think that when he's 17? Is it one of those cases where I'm judging something now and later I'll look back and realize what an idiot I am?
Or was it just the fact that it was a lingering man-hug? One that went on just a little too long for a situation outside, say, a funeral?
Or must I admit that I don't particularly like this acquaintance of mine? That I find him a bit phony and creepy even when he's just standing there, neither lingering nor hugging?
These are all questions I ask myself, not just to kill time or write a particularly ridiculous blog post, but to examine my immediate reactions to things I observe. Our guts tell us all sorts of things and sometimes all they're saying is "Lay off the refried beans right before bed." I believe in intuition; I believe that we perceive things that we can't really name and they lead us to conclusions we can't really explain. But when one is faced with a Lingering Man-Hug, one must question these conclusions. These snap, emotional judgments we make are fodder for all sorts of misconceptions, misunderstandings, prejudice and future embarrassment. They are also the sort of judgments that keep us out of danger - both emotional and physical - in certain situations. But still, I examine.
I believe it was one of the original Lingering Man-Huggers, Socrates, who said: "The unexamined life is not worth living." Do you suspect he was talking about this?
The other day I noticed an acquaintance of mine give his 17-year-old son a Lingering Man-Hug. He stroked his son's back, whispered something in his hear, and then drew back and kissed him on the forehead. As with most things that make me uncomfortable, I stared and watched the whole thing. Yes, it made me uncomfortable and that raised some Very Serious Questions.
Why did it make me uncomfortable?
Was it just because I was an accidental witness to what was obviously a private moment, somehow rendered more intimate by the public setting? Was it just because I was intruding? (Like when you watch a stranger eat. Such a personal, private thing to be gawped at.)
Was it because I am uncomfortable with seeing two men hug each other? I've seen my husband hug countless men, never lingering, but including a man at a parade with a "Free Hugs" sign. That doesn't make me uncomfortable. I've seen my neighbors, partners for nearly 20 years, hug each other and I just think it's sweet if I think about it at all.
Was it because they were father and son? Perhaps. It wasn't that many generations ago that for a father to show physical affection to his son was considered "unmanly". Do I have remnants of this notion that cling to me like a vestigial tail? I once received some lovely advice that I shouldn't be too affectionate with my (then 2-year-old) son because he might grow up "funny". I was appalled by this, and rightly so, I believe.
But is there a cut-off point in this physical affection? Does it at some point become uncomfortable? I think it's the cutest thing in the world when my 5-year-old son hugs his Daddy and kisses him on the mouth. Will I still think that when he's 17? Is it one of those cases where I'm judging something now and later I'll look back and realize what an idiot I am?
Or was it just the fact that it was a lingering man-hug? One that went on just a little too long for a situation outside, say, a funeral?
Or must I admit that I don't particularly like this acquaintance of mine? That I find him a bit phony and creepy even when he's just standing there, neither lingering nor hugging?
These are all questions I ask myself, not just to kill time or write a particularly ridiculous blog post, but to examine my immediate reactions to things I observe. Our guts tell us all sorts of things and sometimes all they're saying is "Lay off the refried beans right before bed." I believe in intuition; I believe that we perceive things that we can't really name and they lead us to conclusions we can't really explain. But when one is faced with a Lingering Man-Hug, one must question these conclusions. These snap, emotional judgments we make are fodder for all sorts of misconceptions, misunderstandings, prejudice and future embarrassment. They are also the sort of judgments that keep us out of danger - both emotional and physical - in certain situations. But still, I examine.
I believe it was one of the original Lingering Man-Huggers, Socrates, who said: "The unexamined life is not worth living." Do you suspect he was talking about this?
